The lawyers that we have on retainer, but who we wish we did not have to employ, though that this would be a good idea.
This page is important, though, despite the length of it.
We changed it from being horribly confusing to being something that you can easily understand. It actually looks like English now instead of some foreign jargon! So, please be smart and read this page. You will keep from having lawyers at your door, but also save yourself the humiliation of being in trouble because you did something wrong.
Our site is run so that you, and others like you that we know are out there, can use it for communication, entertainment, information, gratification, review and education.
Please, feel free to browse around the site and get to know the many wonders we have for you. We will even let you download stuff from the site! However, this should only be for personal use, never for commercial reasons. If you do use things on our site for anything other than personal reasons, you will be messing with copyrights and such, which is bad. That means that you will never modify, distribute, reuse, transmit or repost things from our site unless you get permission from us. Honestly, we will not give you permission, but we so enjoy seeing you ask! This means that you need to leave any video, audio, images, text or anything else on the site alone unless it is only going to stay on your computer.
Not only does this hold true for our site, it also holds true for any other website you click into on the Internet, the World Wide Web, and also any libraries, other planets, or mobile pages. This means that if you have a problem with our terms you need to run away now.
However, if you do not have problems with this, please venture on!
Therefore, without further ado, here are the rules for our site!
1. Everything on here is copyrighted unless we happen to say otherwise. We will not say otherwise, so please obey us. If you see things on this site that you like, please remember that they do not belong to you. This means that you have to have the permission we will never give you to use anything. We do not mean to sound rude, but that is how it works. Even if we did say it was okay, which we might at certain times, our lawyers would veto it and punish us.
2. The stuff that we put on our site if meant to be accurate at times, but you should take this with a grain of salt. This means that we do not promise anything except that you will be entertained and have fun on our site. If you use anything here you are doing so at your own risk, and we will not be held responsible. Do not complain to us if you started to feel like you read something awful and followed the directions. You can always send us pictures though!
3. Anybody involved in the delivery, production, or creation of this site is also never going to be able to be held liable for anything that happens to you after using our site. Our lawyers wish for us to tell you that we have a disclaimer. This disclaimer states that any damages that are direct, consequential, indirect, incidental, punitive or accident that happen to you because of this site cannot be blamed on us. This site provides things to you ‘as is’, and not with any type of warranty. This means no implied, expressed, or merchantability warranties can be held against us, such as non-infringement or fitness purposes. Also, some jurisdictions might allow you to be excluded from warranties, or forced to participate in them, so you need to be sure what your local regulations and state laws.
We realized that was an awful bunch of stuff to read, but we had to put it in there. If we did not put it in, though, our lawyers were going to be really scary towards us. This was also the only way we could write it so that they would let us post it. The bottom line is that we are never going to be responsible for what happens to you on our site, even if we feel bad about it. If you get a virus or scary malware from one of our affiliates, please do not run to us, we will not do anything about it (so sorry, our lawyers made us say that!).
4. If you do not want to share something with the world, please do not post it anywhere on our site, or anywhere for that matter. Anything that you disclose to us will become ours. This means we can really do anything that we want with it. We can disclose, publish, transmit, reproduce, post it, or broadcast it any way we want. We can even send it to your mom and dad! We will when we find their address. Also, we can use any techniques, ideas, concepts or secrets in the same way. This means we can and will develop, manufacture, include and market the wonderful things you post.
5. Any pictures of places or people or things on our site are ours. These might also belong to our affiliates, but we have permission to use them. You have no permission to take these and say they are yours. This means that you and your friends cannot use them unless we say so, which we will not. So, you can download and keep things from this site if you want, but we do not want to ever see or hear about them. Do not share or broadcast these things, or say they belong to you. You will hear from our lawyers.
6. Our site contains a whole bunch of service marks, logos and trademarks that we own or have permission to use. All product names are trademarks of their respective owners, such as, but not limited to Horizon Fitness, Sole Fitness, the Sole E25 elliptical. Do not try to think about using them for any reasons. You have zero right to them and will not get the right to use them. In addition, if you mess with any of the aforementioned things we will come down on you with righteous lawyer fury! Believe us, you do not want this, you really do not. In addition, the companies who stuff you manipulated and stole will likely come after you. You will be sued and prosecuted, so it is best to not risk it.
7. We have many links on our site! Some of these lead to other sites, but some lead to within the site itself, kind of like a nifty wormhole or something. We do sometimes check on them to be sure that they work, and to see if they have been updated, but we do not assume responsibility for anything on them. If you see scary people with addictions to cartoon characters, or animals that wear clothing on these links, that is all on your. You view and click at your own risk.
8. This brings us to the many things that you might do on our site. Because we are actually spies, we love to check in and listen to things you say on groups, bulletin boards, and in chats. However, we assume no liability or responsibility for things that you see on our site, such as defamation, mistakes, slander, libel, falsehoods, omissions, obscenity, profanity, or pornography (please, do not look at it, it is awful). Also, if you are stupid and post anything that includes pornography (seriously, please do not, it is an awful ‘surprise’) or things that are libelous, defamatory, threatening, unlawful, obscene, inflammatory, scandalous (so scandalous!), nasty, profane, mean or plan offensive, you are going to probably be in trouble. This is because we will not hesitate to go after someone who scares or threatens us. We respect your privacy and ask that you also respect ours. So, if anything you do can be considered criminal, please understand that it will be dealt with appropriately.
9. We have a lot of software on this site. You should know that important US Patriotic Laws protect it all. This means that if you live or are visiting the wonderful vacation spots of Libya, Cuba, Iraq, Syria, The Moon, Korea, Hell, or Iran, that you cannot transmit or use our site. In addition, if you or anybody you are with belongs on the Specially Designated Nationals, Table of Deny Orders, or FBI’s Most Wanted Scary People, you can also not be here. SO, please leave now, and be sure to never come back or we will report you (or something).
10. Also, we can change our site at any time! We sometimes do this to mess people up who are browsing, but other times we just find out our programmers did and did not inform us. Regardless, it does not matter when or what we change on our page as it is ours, so you are stuck with those changes if you wish to continue using our site.
11. This last rule is in place if anybody wants to sue anybody else. We have to follow something like the Geneva Convention when this happens, so certain rules of engagement (no, not the movie) are in play. This means that the United Kingdom and their laws, without regard to any conflicting laws, will govern this entire agreement. If you violated our site, any affiliates, or us you should expect us to come at you seeking injunctive relief, or another type of legal relief. Disputes will be dealt with in the aforementioned way, with any amounts of fees other than attorney fees being split between us.
12. If you have any further questions, please visit our website. We would love to answer any question you have. While we love to play jokes on our visitors, we simply cannot tolerate violators of the above rules.
Note: We reserve the right to modify any rule at any time. This is part of our site’s very nature. We have a great team of lawyers (all licensed lawyers) who check all of this out for us and assure us that we are adhering to political and legal law when it comes to what we can and cannot do.
For some reason if there is no way to solve things easily, we will have to decide on an agreed upon mediator with the American Arbitration Association.
This is serious business and means that you are in a lot of trouble. In addition, we have no say at this point as it means you have caused us to go as far as we can within the laws.
So, please follow our rules so that you do not have to experience this.
In short, our lawyers wanted us to do awful things that we cannot talk about (having to do with dungeons and old television shows).